This road tonight.

You always hear "don't live in the past" and to me, I was always annoyed by this chunk of advice. Who would think they are so genius for even making that a quote? But today I had one of those moments where you are separated from your body and actually can't wrap your head around a concept. We always speak of the past like it is a place- another city even. One that you can go visit on vacation and check in with old friends, reminiscing through memories- a physical, real place. You make decisions and treat yourself based on how you have judged your own history. How terrible is that thought? We are limiting the time and success ahead because we have judged our own past and have deemed us worthy or unworthy of accomplishing certain tasks or acting a certain way.

The past year, my life has changed completely and I'm not quite sure I've caught up with exactly all the things that have happened. My heart remains in the hands of my ex. I have embarked on an exciting new job. My best friend is off following her dreams. She moved to Fort Collins, CO this past year and has already completed a year of grad school and is spending the entire summer in Uganda. As long as I've known her, she has been so true to her passion of helping the world around her in such humble ways. Her strength to remain true to her values is something that I find so attractive- not only because she is my best friend, but because that is so rare in our time. Sara is everything I want to be, and I hope one day I can pay back the hope she has instilled in me that there is a better world out there, we just have to create it.

My life has felt oddly difficult until recently. I can say I was depressed. While surrounded by people, I remained isolated and felt like I was watching a movie around me- one that I was not part of. Being raised in a household where emotions and feelings weren't discussed, I've had to learn a lot of lessons in adulthood and plug in a lot of those missed lessons form my childhood. It finally took half a year on antidepressants, months of counseling, and the loss of a relationship to fully awaken from the haze I was in for so long. I finally feel clear- at least clear enough to realize the opportunities I had in front of me that my depression was blocking my ability to experience. The greatest being love.

I can see the mistakes- on both ends finally without resentment or shame. What is the most tragic for me is that I am finally able to feel the love around me, and feel the love that I denied in my past relationship. The feeling of that lost love comes in waves- paralyzing waves that I get lost in happily, wishing they never subside. While everything is telling me to work on having those moments less frequently, I would rather drown in them than never see or feel them again. This destroys my hopes of living in the present and I am most fearful that these moments will soon be memories and the heightened sense of love will diminish slowly. What if I never feel this passion for another man? The song that influenced my tattoo translates to "remember when and let your heart be staid". For me, I gladly accept the pain and love I feel now looking back, knowing that I can calm my heart by reliving my time with him.

I won't live in the past and I won't beg for second chances. What I will do is move forward with my lessons, living in love, rather than reflecting on it.

Mine's Bigger

It has taken me two years to build my confidence to the point of creating a strong presence to others- blending in was once a comfort. The construction of my confidence involved a few self-help books, many nights at the gym, and of course the support of a very special best friend.  This past week I fell off course a bit and, as with most of my emotions, I couldn't recognize what I was feeling at first. I took a few days, allowing myself just to feel and see where that took me. I landed on the word comparison. In the big picture, I am not alone or special with this thought; it is one that every person in their early adulthood encounters. Being the control freak that I am, I needed to find the cause and eliminate it. I found the root of my problems in the same place I go to get away from stress: social media. 

We spend hours each day scrolling, finding the next trending article to read and share as though it is an original thought. We feel clever and witty, yet we don't realize this gives power to those creating these posts, and eliminates our unique identities in a land of quotes and stories that we can only relate to. We feel as though our stories aren't worth writing anymore because someone has already written it. I have been playing a character, as we all do with these profiles. We post only highlights of our journeys, knowing that's all people care to see anymore. We give our professional title, post an occasional synopsis of our findings, and pictures that we've approved to hide our physical shortcomings. Luckily for my power and energy, this isn't me at all. 

Yes, luckily is the term I chose. I say this because our social and online world is designed to drain us of our identity. It is designed for people to believe they can actually read each other like books, and disregard those with poor summaries. I regained strength with this realization because the people I truly care for, and whose opinions mean something to me, know exactly why my book reads how it does. They know why my professional title does not match the dream title I am working towards. They know the full story behind my synopsis because they were present for each moment. They know what I look like at my worst. 

The best part is deciding which page of my book to post next. What character shall I play this week? Which emotions should I provoke? Which audience should I please? For now, I'll stick to nobody.